The Wizard of Rhetoric

Like every morning, Dorothy awoke with a jolt as her alarm buzzed. Wide awake, she went downstairs to her mother placing the usual breakfast of Egg McMuffins on the table. Dorothy sighed as she was sick of always having to eat fast food. Her choices of breakfast were limited to putting ham, sausage, or bacon on her mystery sandwich that was provided by such fine establishments such as Taco Hell, Booger King, or McWrongald’s.
Here in the state of Blandsas, the people never change. Blandsas is like a dictionary; people are defined in a few sentences and labeled according to which stereotype they belong to.
The judge of Dorothy’s town was Judge Mulch who prosecuted anyone, yes, anyone that did not follow the law, no matter the circumstance. In fact, the reason Dorothy’s town is so small is because most of the population is in jail. In a fit of misbehavior, Dorothy’s puppy, P-Dog, peed on the judge’s bushes. Judge Mulch ordered P-Dog to be euthanized. Dorothy pleaded with the judge. She argued that he is a creature of behavior, not action, and cannot be held responsible for what he did in saying, “He is the best P-Dog he can be”. Judge Mulch refused to listen and gave out the sentence. In Dorothy’s hysteria she grabbed P-Dog and ran home to her aunt and uncle as storm clouds began to form a gray ceiling above her. She begged them to help her but they calmly stated that it was the law and that is what must be followed.
Just then a tornado ripped through the town, leaving Dorothy in a daze as the rest of her family ran into the storm cellar. She looked out her window and saw that the cyclone had picked up her house. She gazed as the townspeople, along with Judge Mulch riding by on her bicycle, floated by. Suddenly the judge transformed into a witch on a broomstick and began to cackle at Dorothy. Moments later the twister dropped the house, Dorothy, and P-Dog over the rainbow and into Rhetoric Land.
Dorothy and P-Dog stepped out of their black and white house and into a colorful world full of little people. In a cloud of glittery dust, a person in a beautiful pink dress appeared before them.
“My name is John Ramage” he said, “I am the Rhetoric Witch of the North.”
He pointed to a pair of legs underneath where Dorothy’s house had landed and told her that she had just killed the Serious Witch of the East. Suddenly, the Munchkins surround them and began to thank them. Seeing Dorothy’s confusion, Ramage told her she was in Munchkinland and that the oppressive Serious Witch of the East had been torturing them for years. He then pointed to the ruby slippers on the Serious Witch’s feet and told Dorothy to put them on. Immediately after doing so, The Serious Witch of the West appeared in a blaze of fire and smoke. She tried to hurt Dorothy, but because of the ruby slippers, she was not able to harm her. When The Serious Witch realized this, she disappeared while cackling, “I’ll get you and you’re little P-Dog too!”
Ramage told Dorothy that she was in Rhetoric Land where everything is not exactly as it seems and things are known in terms of another. Their arch enemy is the Serious Witch of the West, whose closed mind hates rhetoric and all those that practice it. She always tries to suppress the people and when they do not follow her laws, she locks them up.
“Yea that’s great and all, but now how do I get home?” said Dorothy.
Ramage replied oh so poetically, “Just follow the yellow brick road and you will find your way by going where you have to go.”
“Oh, you ass! What does that mean? Just tell me how to get there! This isn’t fair! A guide a supposed to tell me where to go, not let me get lost and find out on my own!” Dorothy said.
After much rambling from Ramage, Dorothy gave up listening and her and P-Dog began to follow the yellow brick road. She came to a crossroads and saw a Scarecrow pointing in one direction. Dorothy assumed it was a sign, and since she didn’t get any help from that stupid Ramage, she thought she might as well go for it. When she began to walk, the Scarecrow switched arms and pointed to another direction. Frustrated, Dorothy sighed, stomped her foot, and began walking the other way. Once again the Scarecrow changed, but was now pointing in two directions.
Dorothy blurted, “Well are you gonna point me in the right direction or not! Or are you just like that Ramage turd in the pink dress?”
“Oh, I wish!” the Scarecrow said.
He apologized; he didn’t know which way to go. The two then struck up a conversation. The Scarecrow informed Dorothy that he could not think for himself. Everything he knew were laws and ways of thinking that had been forced upon him. He was searching for a mind of his own. Dorothy explained her situation and said that he might have luck going with her to see the Wizard of Rhetoric. The two linked arms, chose a path, and began skipping along their way.
After much happy go-lucky skipping, they both began to get sick to their stomachs from all the cliche happiness and decided to take a rest in the shade. Dorothy leaned up against what she thought was a tree. To her surprise, what she was leaning on fell and let out a muffled “Ow!” Lying on the ground was a motionless Tin Man.
“The poor thing!” said Dorothy, “He cannot act and can barely speak. How can he have an identity?”
P-Dog began to tug on an oil can on the Tin Man’s belt. Dorothy squirted him with it as he began to move.
“Thank you dear. Thank you oh so much!” said the Tin Man, “I’ve been stuck like that for a week now with no company but these malicious apple trees!”
“How can an apple tree be malicious?” said Dorothy.
“They have been making fun of me the whole time.” rebuked the Tin Man, “Although they began to get creative and made some interesting comments, like, ‘If a Tin Man were to fall in the woods with no one around to hear, would he make a sound?’”
“Well if no one were around to hear you fall, don’t you think that since they are asking that question that they do, in fact, know you have fallen?” philosophized Dorothy.
“You are smart my darling, and passionate about your rhetoric too!” said the Tin Man, “I wish I had a heart like yours. Sadly, I am without one.”
Dorothy replied that she still was not yet sure about what rhetoric even was but invited the Tin Man to join her, P-Dog, and the Scarecrow on their journey. The Tin Man accepted, and once again everyone skipped their little hearts out down the yellow brick road.
On a pit stop to oil the Tin Man again, a Lion emerged from the woods and began growling at the gang. However, they were not about to just stand around and be harassed, so the three of them fought back. The Lion begged for them to stop. He was nothing but a Cowardly Lion as he explained to them that people aren’t always who they seem.
“I’m just caught up living out my stereotype.” wept the Cowardly Lion, “I wish I had the courage to overcome it and find my own identity.”
Dorothy invited him on their journey, and with great excitement, the Cowardly Lion agreed. The four growing rhetoricians skipped on with a song on their lips and P-Dog struggling to keep up by their side.
Suddenly, the Serious Witch of the West appeared with her gang of Harley Men and captured Dorothy and P-Dog and took them back to her courtroom. The Witch tied Dorothy up and tried to take off the ruby slippers. As she grabbed them, she was electrocuted. The Witch realized she could not touch the ruby slippers as long as Dorothy was alive. As the Witch was pondering a plan, Dorothy yells for P-Dog to run for help. In the Serious Witch’s rage, she cast a spell on Dorothy and told her that when the hourglass ran out she would be dead. Soon after she left, P-Dog ran in with the Scarecrow, Tin Man, and Cowardly Lion. They untied Dorothy and broke the hourglass, thus breaking the spell. In their flee from the castle, The Serious Witch sent the Harley Men after them. The Hell’s Angels wannabes circled the group on their Harley Davidson motorcycles. Dorothy could tell that something just was not right. She stopped the leader of the gang.
“This isn’t who you really are is it?” questioned Dorothy.
“What do you mean? I am a bad ass riding a dangerous vehicle.” yelled the Harley Man, “Who else would I be?”
“Just because you ride a motorcycle doesn’t mean that you are a stereotypical biker.” said Dorothy, “You just need to find your own identity.”
After a little convincing, Dorothy, Scarecrow, Tin man, and the Cowardly Lion all persuaded the Harley Men to take a look at themselves and think about their identity. Just like that, the Serious Witch’s spell on the Harley Men was broken. They wanted revenge, so they went back to the castle and took care of the Witch. After a little while, the group leader came back out and graciously gave Dorothy the Witch’s mallet and said goodbye.
Tired, but relieved that the Serious Witch was gone, Dorothy and her friends felt there was nothing better to do than to move along down the yellow brick road. Only this time, there was no skipping because they were ready to be done with rhetoric. Once again, in a puff of glittery dust, Ramage in his pretty pink attire appeared. This time Dorothy was ready to let him have it, but before she could say anything, Ramage told her she had succeeded.
“What? How could I be done? I haven’t even met the Wizard of Rhetoric yet!” screamed Dorothy.
“Oh, yea. Sorry, that is just a little bit of my humor. Not many people understand it. I am actually the Wizard of Rhetoric.”
“I hate you.” grumbled Dorothy.
“Now, now Dorothy, before you get upset, take a look back at what you and you’re friends have learned.” said Ramage, proudly.
“I hate to admit it but you are right.” Dorothy whispered almost inaudibly, “So, um, thanks.”
“I’m sorry what was that? I didn’t hear you.” said a pompous Ramage.
“I said thanks!” Dorothy said, making it almost all one word.
“You’re welcome, Dorothy.”
“Now will you tell me how to get home?” Dorothy said impatiently
Ramage explained that this was also a little more of his “humor”and the whole time all she had to do was click her heels and she would be back home. After Dorothy cursed at Ramage for a good half hour, she reluctantly said goodbye to her new friends with tears in her eyes. She then grabbed P-Dog, clicked her heels, and went home. She awoke in her bed. After making sure that everything was back to normal, she looked at P-Dog and said, “I am going to change this world of ours.”